Memories of my father;
Oh wait, I never had a father;
So instead I dedicate this day to my mother
Who cried in quiet darkness,
And lived in silent suffering,
And I remember those nights as a child
I didn’t understand her pain
And the depths of her,
But I wrapped my arms around her
To hold and console her,
As we cried together,
And I told her I loved her,
And we had each other,
Then we prayed together,
And she told me she would leave me never,
Then she said although we didn’t have much,
We would always have love,
And each other;
Then she wiped away my tears,
And I kissed her,
Smiled, and thanked the heavenly Father
That I had a loving mother.
Tag: Memories
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Let us reminisce on those summer nights of love that exist in our not so distant memories. That first kiss and tender touch. Let us go to that place where the fireflies light up the evening sky in joyous celebration. Let the moon and stars look down upon our hearts and smile. Let’s journey to a place of love; a place of peace.
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If only I could tell her once more that I love her. If only I could reach out and touch her hand to comfort her. If only with tears in my eyes I could again whisper her favorite song. One more long kiss before we reunite again in eternity. We are inseparable in love eternally. Let the dreams we dreamed, flourish like a flower forever in your memory. My spirit will perpetually weep, until again we meet in heavenly glory. You loved me with a passion and depth that touched my soul indelibly. How can I accurately describe to the world your grace and your beauty? Your words of kindness and your love brought sunshine into my life. Strangers would stop and take notice of your countenance and light. I love you, with a love that is unconditional, and deep within me. I poured out my soul to you, as you listened quietly with intense love, and feelings that your eyes conveyed to my spirit intently. We have sealed our vows in love, and immersed them in the deep rivers of honor and loyalty. Until my dying day when we again see each other, my love, I swear on my soul that you will always live in my heart forever.
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Her elegance and the the way she moves captivates me. She brushes her long hair and begins to sing. Joy fills the room and she is happy. I love these moments with her; the way she takes away the restless thoughts and worries of the world. She is a free spirit. An intelligent and kind woman whose beauty is unparalleled. She is a breath of fresh air; eclectic, and non-argumentative; we come together in love and understanding. We live in peace and harmony. We had both been hurt before and we found each other. Two kindred souls who had loving hearts, and a lot of love to give. We were a haven and a shelter for one another. We embraced and wrapped ourselves in the warmth of our love and we never looked back.
I love looking at her; she brings me joy and warms my heart. We talk effortlessly. So much emotion; so much love. So many feelings involved. I had prayed to find a woman like her; to find real love. A love that can’t be explained or conveyed. A love that is unbreakable. We spent many late nights sharing our stories of hurt and pain. We cried together; we bonded and held each other. We both found a rock and shelter in the storm; a haven for the brokenhearted and those with heavy sorrows. A place with warmth and light; a place where there is joy and peace. We value it; we fight for it. It is worth more than gold. More than diamonds. We honor each other. We love each other.
It is a deeper understanding that is ethereal in nature. A heavenly experience; so much more than anything physical. It’s a transcending of this world, and of time and space. Our connection is an unprecedented occurrence that is dynamic in nature. Exuberant, and as bright as the sun. The immense constellations connect and tell the tale of our love. Light is released and every dark place is illuminated. We are one. Inseparable in this life and the next; distance could never hinder us; time could never break us. Death could never conquer us. Our hearts beat as one. Our descendants will carry our light and spread love throughout the world, touching hearts and minds. Eternally our love will live on.
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I have walked through the fires of affliction
I have swam the deep waters of despair
I have Flown in the winds of suffering
I have endured the storms of pain
I have survived the earthquakes of illness
I have overcome the avalanches of doubt
I have escaped the floods of misunderstanding
I have conquered the tsunamis of betrayal
I still war with the ghosts of the past.
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For nine months you carried me. Wrapped in your warmth, I felt your heartbeat. I was in tune with your emotions, every feeling, every sensation. Suspended within your womb, I traveled with you; Mom, where are we going today? I asked, but I was never sure if you could hear me. I hear this sound outside. It’s getting louder and louder. Suddenly I want to move; I want to dance . . . I am euphoric! I am rhythmic! I can’t help myself now! I’m kicking and spinning! Then you said: “What has gotten into this baby?” “This boy is really kicking.” We were intrinsically connected. I relied on you to feed me and nurture me. You were my life source; I was totally dependent on you.
In those months we bonded, I could feel the love you had for me, and it was comforting. It was a tranquility that the moon and the stars couldn’t explain. It was beyond comprehension how your voice soothed me; a restless life, at times impatient to make my entrance into the world. I wonder if you could sense me smiling, or perceive my happiness and contentment? I’m certain you could. I’m sure of it. That connection; that sacred connection between mother and son. That unbreakable bond; that love and care. That nurturing and the blessing that was you; that was us; I am thankful. I am joyful.
A physical cord that once connected us, that umbilical cord of life, that once fed me, and that conveyed our thoughts and feelings to each other; a beautiful work of the Lord, of his creation, and of his gift, has now become a spiritual cord, and I still need your love and your comfort. The comfort of a mother. A natural nurturer, a cultivator of life. Your smile. Your cheerfulness. Your spirit. Yes! I remember the times you spun me around the room and you danced with me! The many nights I felt the rhythm of your breathing; the days I could feel the rub of your hands against me; your singing and joyfulness. The days you were worried and somber I didn’t kick as much, but instead, I settled myself and stayed quiet. I wanted you to sleep more, be relaxed and fully rested. Your life source was stronger than ever.
Finally I had arrived! I made my debut into the world with much fanfare and jubilation. So many voices. So many things in my vision embraced with warmth and love. You looked at me and smiled. Laboring for many hours, and staying strong, just so you could make the transition smooth and have me arrive on schedule. Wow! What a mother! What a life force! I love you. We spent only three years together. You transitioned to the spiritual realm, but before that transition you left behind a gift: your only son. You may be gone in the physical sense, but your heart abides with me. Our connection remains. It is unbreakable, and it is eternal.
In these years, I find solace in you. I find joy and peace in your memory. We will again dance together; I will again see your radiant smile and wondrous beauty. Your work is done here. I carry on the legacy that is you. An incomprehensible inner strength. A beautiful spirit that graced the world and touched many lives. You gave me life. I once lived in you. Now you live in me, Forever.
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He reaches for her, but she is not there. Her scent still lingers in the place she slept. Strands of her hair are found on pillows. Again he reaches for her, but she is gone, never to return. In the late hours he sheds tears. Sleep has not been a friend to him. Peace has left him. Happiness has eluded him for two winters now. He is lost in the innermost workings of his mind. Hopelessness rushes in like water from a broken dam. Even though he puts up a strong barrier, it presses against the door. Waiting to invade his thoughts. Waiting to wreak its havoc.
He can withstand it for a time, but only for a time. Maybe he will make it through winter; maybe he will see the bloom of spring, and feel the warmth of summer. Still it waits, bearing down its full force upon his will, taunting him, laughing at him. He misses her; he misses her so much. Tears flow once again at the thought of her memory; her soft touch. He is tired. He is so tired. His movements are slow, and his will is weak. His barrier cracks and splinters.
Hopelessness seeps through. It is followed by loneliness. Depression makes its entrance. Following closely behind are fear and anger. They slowly wind and make their way through his system like poisonous molasses choking his life force and corrupting his once endless energy. A beautiful garden is turned into an unsightly bed of weeds, and waterfalls are dried up. Ripe fruit is turned rotten and given to the worm. He is tormented day and night. He seeks rest like a wild scavenger seeks food, but there is none to be found.
Darkness surrounds him and misery peers through his window to bear witness to his demise, but he remembers her warmth, and their time together. He remembers her laughter and her joy; he vividly sees her face and the light of her life shines brightly in his being. The movie of her love and life play in his mind, and he is strengthened. Her glowing face is amplified in his thoughts and his joy comes back to him. Fear and anger dissipate. Depression is trampled. Hopelessness is utterly rooted out and destroyed. Only loneliness abides. He misses her.
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My Precious Lady, I had given up on myself but you believed in me. You saw something in me that I could not see in myself. It was your love that rescued me; it was your beautiful and mysterious eyes that looked past my faults and saw my soul. It was not only your eyes that saw me, but it was the love in you that saw the essence of my heart and the depths of my soul. I will forever love you . . .
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I dedicate this to all of you who have lost your mothers.
Today has been a day of reflection and solitude for me. I have been asking the heavenly Father, what I have asked since my childhood. That oft familiar and poignant question: Lord, why did you take my mother? Why did you let her die? In my adulthood, I seemingly still not have come to absolute terms that my beautiful mother is no longer living. I have asked myself for quite some time if my questions are somehow overly simplistic or childlike in nature. Who knows? I know some may say, there is no one answer, or it was her time, or who could really know the reasons God allows certain things to happen? I guess all or most of these answers would be acceptable, but something in me still grapples with idea of her not being here.
Is it an unrealistic premise to finally find some sort of satisfactory answer to her death? I don’t know. Then again, I would refuse any answer at all to be a finite and everlasting conclusion. At this point I think I will just let it lie. I have been on this hamster wheel long enough, and I have been well overdue to get off and just appreciate her for who she was, and who she is in my heart. Oft as a child, I would ask God why he didn’t take me with her. I was told by family and by the friends of my mother, that I was in the car when it happened. I still can’t remember anything from that fateful day and I probably never will. There is so much more I can write but I will leave it here.
So with that being said, I would like to thank all the wonderful mothers out there in the world. I would also like to dedicate this piece to all the sad and lonely boys and girls who have lost their Moms. I grieve with you. I grieve for you. Please remember there are many of us who share in your pain, and I understand your sorrow. Seek your answers and cry as long as you want to, for you have no cause to be ashamed. I for one can say that I care about you and I love you. You may see your friends with their mom’s and dad’s, and be sad. You may see members of your family with their parents, but remember you are special, and Mom watches over you, and she loves you. Always remember her in your heart and she will live on in your memory.
Blessings to you.
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Mother,
The heavens have opened
And received you
In eternal rest you sleep
You carry a piece of me with you
For I cannot see you
But in your presence I feel you
My desire is to be closer to you
In my dreams I seek you
Every breath I take
I breathe you
Your blood runs through me
Who would I be without you
Sorrow and anxiety overtake me
The dark waters of fear seek to drown me
Throw out your lifeline and comfort me
Mother I need you
Father has again abandoned me
He never deserved you
I pray for the day I once again see you
I was but three when you left me
So I struggle to remember you
But In my heart I will always carry you
Always remember I love you.
Intimate Compositions 