Lord, grant me solace. Grant me peace.
Tag: Feelings
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It was on the inside that I cried but you couldn’t see my pain. I hid it from the world. A heavy burden to carry; a seemingly perpetual cross to bear. A distinct type of pain and suffering you carry so long that it becomes a part of you. I tried many times to shake it, to deliver myself from it’s hold, but to no avail. If only you knew what I’ve been through; if only you knew my desolation and sorrow. Happiness seems to run from me, and joy seems to escape me. Many times I am told to leave it behind me; to just move on. I am asked why I can’t break free from it; why I can’t circumvent the mental despondency that can wreak havoc on one’s life. In my silence I look at them; I look through them, and I know that they could never understand the depths and levels; the intricacies, and the complexions of me. The profundity of my spirit; the torment I endure. The breadths of my very soul. They could never understand the strength it takes to endure. To survive. To live.
Many would have fallen by the wayside. Many would have lost all hope, but I am quickened by the thoughts of my grandmother, a woman who went through her own struggles and depression; a woman among women, kind and loving in all her ways. An angel to the poor and downtrodden, and a bright light in a world of darkness. I watched her in her suffering. The days and nights she wept. The prayers, and the solitude. Yet she overcame; yet she remained strong in her long-suffering; yet she held strong in her belief in God and was unshaken and resolved.
Even when her own family turned their backs she held on to her faith and remained steadfast in hope. It was her and I against the world, and even at that tender age, I was a young boy with steely eyes, and a fervor within me that I carry to this day. I may be down, but never out. On the right there might be fire, and on the left deep waters but I am never unnerved. My pain pushes me through. It forces me to either transcend or wither and die, but I am a conqueror, and I will not see myself fall. I refuse to concede; I refuse to lose.
I consider the earth and all the beauty within. The promise of tomorrow. The life within me. The lessons and life experiences that I’ve endured. My mother; my grandmother; the people in my life that were kind to me, and the people who left footprints on my heart. Those beloved ones. The ones I will never forget. The ones that loved me; the ones that I will always love. They lift me up and they give me strength. I rest in their memory; I take refuge in love and peace, strength and honor, understanding and forgiveness. I overcome. I transcend.
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I’m so in love with you and I could never forget the first time we . . .
laid eyes on each other; it was then that I had visions of kissing you . . .
I went out on a limb and told you my true feelings for you, and it was then we found love in each other’s arms . . .
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Your beauty is unparalleled and your character unquestionable. Your virtue enthralls me. Your very presence lifts up my countenance and sets me on a higher plane. Before I found you, I searched tirelessly, with vigor, and with such fervor that it burned up within my very soul. I hadn’t yet found you, but within my mind’s eye you were there always patiently watching and waiting. I called out for you in my dreams and I reached for you in my restless sleep but you alluded me. Where are you my love? Where could you be?
I continued on my journey to find you; to find a love that is rarely found. A passion was within me, an unrelenting drive had built up within me that took me over completely. The type of passion and drive that only a worthy woman could draw out of me. The prospects of our love and devotion had driven me to my limit; the visions of your soft touch and affection had turned me into a madman. Then it happened; I saw you. I knew it was you. I approached you and the look in your eyes spoke to my spirit; it had to be you; a certain peace swept over me. Your kind smile warmed my heart and inside me tears of joy flowed like a deep river. You extended your hand to me and I kissed you, I poured out my feelings to you; my most vivid dreams and visions I conveyed to you. I told you of my journey and adventures; my long travels to capture your heart and your love. About how I saw your face in my dreams.
I had given up on love. I had cast it away from me and vowed never to seek it again until you appeared to me; until you reached out to me in my deepest sleep. I was a barren and dry desert and you came to me like twelve nights of rain to restore my scorched heart and create an oasis for my thirsty soul. You listened to me intently and you cried. These were not tears of sadness but of joy, for we had found each other. We had found love. Never will we be without each other; never will we be apart. Our love is as vast as the universe and deeper than the deepest sea. Our affection is eternal. Your love rescued me.
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Dear Lord, invigorate me, redeem me, quicken my spirit and soul. Set me on a higher plane, bless me, cause your face to shine on me, forgive me, love me, guide me, be with me, dwell in me, help me; illuminate me, grace me with your presence, increase my knowledge, search my heart, protect me, give me the strength to carry on, pardon my transgressions, overlook my shortcomings, do not forsake me in my hour of despair. In the dark and lonely hours send your Angels to watch over me; I am not deserving of your love, I am not worthy of your sacrifice. Be merciful unto me and sustain me. Do not let me drown in my many sorrows; cast aside my woes and quell my fears. Father, I am nothing without you. In my fleshly body I am weak, you are light, you are life, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the Lord of our fathers. You have given me victory over my enemies; you have destroyed those who have plotted against me. I praise you, I honor you. Lord, continue to guide me, and catch me when I stumble and fall, lighten my burdens and increase my joy. Let me not be afraid, embolden me, give me the heart of David and the strength of Samson, the wisdom of Solomon, and the spirit of Joshua, the patience of Moses and the love of Joseph. I adore you, I love you, and I thank you. Amen.
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She cries for him. The deep lacerations on his back make it hard for him to work, and he is in severe pain. He must carry on or risk even more torture and suffering. He dreams of the day that he can be free, a day when all suffering and pain will cease and his people will no longer be under the hand of the oppressor. He looks over to her and the pain in their eyes communicate their thoughts. He loves her and she loves him, even though they are in bondage, somehow the beauty in their hearts persevere. The love between them is made even stronger with every crack of the whip, with every atrocity, with every abuse, with every unspeakable act, their love, their bond, is made stronger. They find comfort and love in each other. They find hope and resolve in each others dreams. Tattered clothes, scraps of food, not enough to eat, they sit by a warm fire and embrace each other. She holds on to him tight, with somber eyes that carry a deep pain and tell the story of what once was, and what is. Eyes that can only be read by her people; a people who’s story is the same and who’s hopes and dreams are the same. He kisses her and begins to sing the songs of his fathers. She joins in and they sing in harmony together, they remember their homeland, their royalty and their tradition, and they hold on to it, and it is carried in their hearts. He is a strong man, big in stature, with the heart of a lion.
She is a strong woman, a nurse to her man and many more. A comforter, a soft touch, a beautiful rose in the wilderness, an oasis in the desert. In their worst suffering they vow to die together and to be eternally inseparable. Even when she is raped by the oppressor, she may let out tears, but her resolve is not shaken. Her heart and mind belong to her one true love. She will not be moved and she will not be broken. Her mind drifts to a place of peace, the land of her ancestors, and once again she is able to bear it. Once again she joins her true love in their small structure and they are quiet, for he knows her pain and the ordeals of the day and silence is all he can give. She sees his pain and anger, his eyes red with both fury and hurt, and she is strong enough to carry it. She places her arms around his shoulders and comforts him; he slowly places his strong arm, around her waist and brings her in closer to him. They both stare out of their small window and into the dark night; the moon and the stars brightly lit, she looks into his eyes and all emotion is communicated. He holds her even more tightly and says a silent prayer from the depths of his soul. He kisses her on the crown of her head and the love he has for her is immeasurable. They refuse to give up, they refuse to be broken. One day freedom will come, either in this life or the next.
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Dear Mother,
For carrying me in your womb, and for your love. Thank you. I was only three years old when you were taken away from me. I asked God why. I pleaded for a reason. Nights I sat on my bed and cried, fighting to recapture the memories of you and I, or at least a mental picture of your beautiful face, but there were none. Why did you have to go? Even now I ponder this profound question. A bastard child. No mother. No father. I look at old photos of my youth and remember the mental pain no child should have to endure and I cry for that young boy; for that child trying to find his way through the world. I cry for him because no one else will; I shed tears for him because he was lost and had no outlet for his pain. One day he will see them again: his mother and grandmother. The women in his life that he lost, reunited once more. Until then, mom I love you and I need you more than ever. I swear I will never forget you and I will always carry you in my heart. Mom if you can hear me, I love you.
Intimate Compositions 