Two Valiums then deep sleep comes, interrupting the intensity of unending devastation. Racing thoughts slow to a crawl then the heart rate falls. The face of beauty who gave birth to me is immortalized in a dark walnut wooden picture frame aligned adjacent to a wooden rosary perfectly against a lamp lit wall. Diazepam 20 mg fully absorbed into the bloodstream may be enough for the half-life of an angelic dream. Sleep is a welcomed substitute for tears that endlessly stream. I stare lovingly at my mother, swearing on everything that I hear her whisper, Victor, the terror won’t last forever. Avoidance of despondency forces me to fight viciously against whatever and whoever. Heavy blackout curtains block the light so I can sleep longer. On my nightstand there is an antique lamp, a prescription vial, natural lavender and one third of a cup of water next to a glass vase filled with burgundy Amaryllis flowers. I reflect on the state of my life in a candlelit bathroom beneath hot soapy water. After about an hour somnolence totally takes over.
Category: Poetry
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War
I seek not strife, but if it is war let it be war forever. I am of the likeness of my mother, erasing the face of the cowardice of my father. I have sought reconciliation, but now war is in my heart, so I seek reconciliation no longer. I am the son of heaven’s daughter. Instead of sorrow, I would rather laughter. Instead of unhappiness, I would rather have joy now and in the hereafter. The sentiments of my soul run deep through many mighty rivers. To the mighty and beautiful Redwood trees I will read my story aloud then listen closely for the whispers of their ponder. I’ve strived to be a man well remembered. I wade in deep dark waters facing the sinister anxiety that seeks to destroy me; for long I have warred with unrelenting horror. It is when blood runs and tears fall that I have given all that I can render.
—Intermission—
Passion
Beautiful whisperings, crying, and the exchange of expensive rings mean nothing if sentiments of love are not genuine. After love making, so much beauty is found in intimate conversation. There is so much depth and true feeling in the heart of an ardent woman. In the embrace of true love there is room to begin again. When long held secrets are divulged and tears run you will know that a genuine and unbreakable love has come. Endless joy is a spiritual immersion. I take a look at myself, the younger version, and I take heed to the wisdom of love’s lessons. There is nothing more romantic than sincere words spoken of the heart’s emotion followed by kisses of passion. Carnal desire is pleasure, but when paired with true love it becomes blue flames of everlasting fire. Marriage is not signatures on paper, it is the coming together and bonding of one another in passionate love forever.
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Christy Turlington turned around and stunned in a black evening gown. Naomi Campbell walked briskly on white marble and brought the house down. Helen Williams was elegant and demure, adorning white dress gloves, diamond earrings, and white fur. Marilyn came in smiling and graced the crowd with a breathtaking spin. Chrystèle whispered something in my ear, but it was a packed gathering and I couldn’t hear. Capucine set the high ceiling on fire with her red hair. In Dior, Ivy Nicholson shot me a glare as she stood statuesque beneath a beautiful crystal chandelier. Yasmeen Ghauri was absolutely beautiful, wearing stiletto mules with a deep V-Neck cocktail dress, navy blue. Donyale Luna and I danced together wonderfully; I marveled at her beauty when after, she told me of her adventures in Italy and recited passionate poetry. There was a surprise appearance by Jayne Kennedy who happened to hear about the gala in the midst of shooting her latest movie. Vonetta McGee joined the party with majestically curled hair, immaculate makeup, and almond eyes that moved me. Diane Keaton arrived with Pat Cleveland who was wearing Chanel everything for the evening. I had been drinking, but I swore that I saw Marilyn kissing Rock Hudson. Beside me a stunning woman was singing, whose name happened to be Nancy Wilson. Donyale lit a cigarette and deeply inhaled. Linda Evangelista sported vintage haute couture; Cindy Crawford conquered in ready-to-wear Louis Vuitton when she walked through the door. I politely complimented Tyra on her attire — she smiled and said, thank you in a calming whisper.
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We weep, yet we are not weak.
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Speak to me one last time before eternal silence comes and I am left undone. Before finality makes its haste, let us kiss passionately in our final embrace, my tears of love falling endlessly on your angelic face. Forgive me if I have ever hurt you. My tears are tears of love and the sentiments of deep sorrow. Let us now confess our love for each other fervently and forget about tomorrow. We hold on to each other perpetually never letting go. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, but I swear on my own blood that the angels with sentimental tears write about us. I swear on my mother’s blood that I love you with all my heart. Neither life nor death could pull us apart. You wipe my tears away as the world falls away. Don’t go; please stay. What fate is this that I fall on my knees beside your bedside and weep trying to appeal to the empathy of destiny to give us at least one more day? Hold on, baby; breathe. Take my breath, and come into the picturesque gardens of my secret depths. Let your hair down and dance with me in vineyards of glory. Take all of me. Take me with you on your peaceful journey. In my loving embrace the last tears fall from your eyes. To find you, I will search my heart’s secret chambers and look toward the skies. You sleep, my love. You sleep. You are immensely beautiful. I love you.
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The underneath whispers to me incessantly with sweet promises of eternal peace. It says, The flesh is fragile and temporary; all you have to do is close your eyes and release. It comes to me in my vulnerability saying softly, Victor, I know that you are tired and that you unceasingly weep; I am the underneath — in me you will find the comfort of deep sleep. The body is still, still, storms rage beneath linen sheets. Darkness hides sorrowful eyes that weep. There is no more warmth after the heart ceases to beat. Many faces smile, but a deep and draining torment lies underneath. At the lowering, hypocrites throw roses and weep after writing bullshit carbon copy eulogies for the deceased. From foul breath and diseased teeth they utter generic garbage like, He’s now in a place of peace. On the dime of the deceased they consume alcoholic drinks, and gluttonous pigs do eat. The underneath embraces its permanent residents over six feet deep. The whispers of it still echo, urging the living despondent to finally let go.
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If I am no more in your memories, then in the darkness of night I will recite loving stories to the trees shedding leaves as if tearfully acknowledging the longing sentiments of my heart that relentlessly stalk my dreams;
I will document the pain of my soul in my many diaries, keeping the words you said to me in dormancy until I return to the dust, leaving the state of my being physically, or until the day you come back to me.
Whatever will be will be, but if nothing else, remember that I truly loved you unconditionally with distinct sincerity from a heart of love and purity. Still, even now, I would give you all of me, hoping for healing from the brokenness of my forsaken reality.
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There were three words spoken in sincerity that enraptured me. There were three words spoken clearly and softly with profound beauty. There were three words that touched me deeply. There was an overflowing of the well of joy within me. In that moment, I turned my face away from absolute beauty and wept silently. In the embrace of an angel, I too confessed tearfully that I loved her undyingly. It was a discovery of unparalleled intimacy. She kissed me passionately, cradling gently the wounded heart of my vulnerability. It was then that I let go of everything I had known and gave to her all that I had of me; the brokeness, the compassion, the pain, the love, the anxiety. She took them, holding them gently, and she placed them in the bosom of her healing femininity—repeating whisperingly the three words she said to me previously.
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Calm yourself now anxious heart — do not despair in the face of frightening fear; do not yield; do not concede to the terror that causes even strapping men to shed tears. Do not fall on your knees when bruised petals forever lie still in cemeteries. Let not the venom of anguish take you or the endlessness of darkness break you. Remain faithful to the strength that birthed you. With all your might hold on tight and take flight on the wings of angels. You are beautiful through and through. Bravely fulfill your destiny, always taking heed to the whisperings of treachery of enemies that despise even the sight of your being. Close your eyes. Familiarize yourself with the darkness. See them coming without seeing. Lay traps and counterattack with a ferocity that will devastate and utterly shatter their long-held animosity. Betrayal thrives in secrecy, but the arrogant always display their true intentions loudly. Always listen intentionally and intently for the whispers of contempt that float softly. When trepidation falls upon you it will be vanquished with the calmness and stillness of an impenetrable armor. You shed tears, yet you are exceedingly stronger. You are released from the terror that has stalked your every waking hour. You once lived in fear, but in fear you live no longer.
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Kiss me where the tears flow from endless sorrow. Whisper seductively to the darkness that stalks me relentlessly so that I can destroy it from an angle that it cannot see. Lie down with me, singing the songs that your mother beautifully sung when she cradled you in her arms. Gaze upon me in my slumber knowing that I love you and that I am totally yours. Let us intimately reach for each other in the late hours and reaffirm our vows under the moon and the stars. Close your eyes and breathe deeply as I gently and slowly explore the regions of your sensitivity. Allow me to please you with devoted sensual methodology. You are the true embodiment of beauty. I do not have to contemplate any reasons to love you — I love you purposefully. You are the remedy for the wounds of despondency that hurt me. You are the voice that echo the sentiments of my poetic heart when I suffer silently. Your affection releases me from the cruel fetters of purgatory. The burdens that you help me carry are heavy, yet you have not abandoned me. Of such unwavering love, how could I be worthy? What can I offer except to love and protect you eternally? My life is no longer my own; it is yours, my lady.
Intimate Compositions 